What would you call the state of my mind at this moment?

Im trying to understand myself but I don't have the words to decribe the feelings inside.3 months ago I pretty much found out my boyfriend was planning to cheat on me with some chick on facebook.I saw all the messages that he wrote to the girl because the girl was a friend of a friend and she told me what was going on.I told the girl to continue talking to him to see how far he would go.So he pretty much went as far as denying me then saying I was his cousin then admitting that I was his girl but he was planning on breaking up with me.He also asked my friends friend if she was good in bed like other girls.I mean the list goes on with all these dirty things that was said.I confronted him about it over the phone and emailed the transcript of the conversation he had with this chick.He was shocked speachless ashamed and all that.I listened to what he said and his statement was that his friends were the one talking to the chick because they no his facebook pword.This bit I do no is true but I no that his lying about not speaking to the chick online because there were times I would purposley call him while the girl was next to me chatting and I would ask him what he was doing he would say his online.So yeah the deal is Im still with him but he didn't want us to break up I tried to break up but In my head Im totaly broken down and the feeling of being intimate with him is gone.So I can say that I do love him but Im so torn up because I no his lying and if I didn't have this proof and someone was to tell me I would believe my boyfriend because his so articulate in the way he lies.This is the first time this has ever happen.And Im really stuck and I need a word to describe the emotions that Im going threw so I can possibly tell my boyfriend.So please if use can help.thanks